Let Me Sow Light:
Living with a Depressed Spouse

Chapter 1: When Depression Hits a Marriage

Often, the effects of depression on a marriage are noticed before a clinical diagnosis is made. Often it is the spouse who recognizes the downward spiral first. What changes might the non-depressed spouse notice in the marital relationship? How are day-to-day interactions and trust issues affected during this spiral? These issues and others are discussed in this chapter.

Once depression is diagnosed, a wide range of reactions will be registered by friends, co-workers, and family members. Chapter One discusses how to deal with these reactions – including the “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” philosophy – in a healthy way.

Chapter 2: You Are Not Alone

Recognizing that people are out there who can help during this difficult time is first and foremost. And as you begin to recognize the pain in your situation and attempt to grow through it, we suggest that you form a P.A.C.T. with God – prayer, affirmation, community and truth – all important factors in combating the effects of this disease. The pact is also helpful when dealing with reactions from others when they find out your spouse is depressed.

Chapter 3: Depression’s Effect on Children

When a parent is depressed, children are quick to note changes in the family. To head off worries, fears, and guilt feelings, it is very important for parents to be open and honest with their children about the nature of depression and the changes it can cause in the depressed person’s ability to relate to others. Often the work of helping the children through this time falls to the non-depressed spouse. It can be a lonely job, and a parent who previously appreciated parenting in partnership may now feel like a single parent. Suggestions are given in this chapter for dealing with this sudden single-parent situation and for discussing depression with children of varying ages.

A major factor in depression is genetic predisposition. Because depression can run in families, parents must be alert to symptoms of the disease in their children, and children of the depressed should be taught, at an appropriate age, to recognize symptoms in themselves. It’s vital that families be open about how they are coping, and that they maintain lines of communication.

Chapter 4: Depression’s Effect on Finances

Job loss can lead to depression, and depression can lead to job loss. When income is affected due to depression, the strain on families is magnified. If the depressed spouse is still able to work, how are both work and home strained? What kinds of feelings arise between spouses when one is unable to work? Couples who have dealt with these issues share their experiences. What options are available to assist families when financial crisis is imminent? Resources are provided in Chapter Four that can help families survive when income is seriously reduced.

Chapter 5: Depression’s Effect in the Bedroom

Depression can create distinct changes in the physical expression of love in a marriage. The very real consequences of the depression itself, resulting feelings such as anger and guilt, and the breakdown of communication between spouses can seriously alter the sexual relationship. Other sexual problems may be noted as a side effect of certain antidepressive medications. Spouses may feel that depression becomes a third, destructive bed partner. With intentionality and the help of counseling if necessary, these issues can be overcome.

Chapter 6: Depression’s Effect on Faith

Depression often leads to a feeling of being abandoned by God, in both the depressed and the non-depressed spouse. It is important to overcome feelings that stronger faith or a more active prayer life would make the depression go away. Because of the pervasive nature of depression, it can be very difficult to maintain an active faith life while in the grip of the disease. Commonly it is only in retrospect that one can see God at work throughout the time of depression. Neither spouse should waste time or energy feeling guilt over this apparent loss of faith. In this chapter, both depressed and non-depressed spouses share how their faith helped them through illness and how their faith was affected by illness. Also included in this chapter is a discussion of ways families can nurture and be nurtured by their faith throughout the span of the disease.

Chapter 7: The Challenges of Treatment

Modern antidepressants are purported to bring miracle cures. But what happens when therapy and medication don’t work? Finding the right therapist and an effective medication can be a very long process. At times the non-depressed spouse may feel he or she must carry the burden of navigating the process, as the depressed spouse is incapable of dealing with it. In the meantime, the marital relationship can deteriorate. How can the non-depressed spouse direct feelings of anger toward the disease rather than toward the depressed spouse? Included in this chapter is a discussion of treatments for depression. It is important to recognize when treatment isn’t working, or is working only marginally, and when new therapists, new medications, and new approaches are needed.

Chapter 8: Importance of Self Care

When a spouse is depressed, it is surprisingly easy for depression to become “contagious.” The non-depressed spouse must monitor his or her own state and make deliberate efforts to maintain as normal a life as possible. Being open about the situation with friends and family, whenever possible, is the first step. Specific coping strategies are provided in this chapter. Non-depressed spouses share strategies that helped them survive depression.

Chapter 9: The Challenges of Recovery

When the correct combination of treatments is discovered and the cloud of depression lifts, life should be good again, right? Unfortunately, some couples discover that destructive patterns have been put in place that must be changed in order to resume a healthy relationship. Ways of relating that may have worked before the time of depression may not fit any longer, and new ways may have to be found. Often the non-depressed spouse must adjust his or her behavior to allow the previously depressed spouse to again be a full partner in the marriage. Couples who have been through these challenges share what they learned.