Let Me Sow Light:
Living with a Depressed Spouse

How do I know if my spouse is depressed?

Different people experience depression differently. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, symptoms that are commonly associated with depression include:

• Persistent sad, anxious or “empty” feelings
• Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness and/or helplessness
• Irritability, restlessness
• Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
• Fatigue and decreased energy
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering details and making decisions
• Insomnia, early–morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
• Overeating, or appetite loss
• Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts
• Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

You may notice changes in your relationship with a spouse you suspect is depressed. If your spouse is irritable, you may be arguing more with each other. If your spouse is having trouble concentrating or making decisions, you may notice a decrease in his or her ability to parent, to pay bills, or to help with household tasks. Pay attention to changes you see in your marriage and ask yourself whether the root problem may be depression.

What can I realistically do to survive this situation?

First of all, don’t try to go it alone. Hiding and secrecy can make any situation seem worse, out of all proportion.

Find someone you can share your troubles with, whether it’s a close, trusted friend or family member, a clergy person, or a mental health professional.

As a caregiver for a depressed person, recognize that you will experience a range of strong emotions and that you will at times be exhausted and in need of care, yourself.

• Look carefully at your daily routine to see where you can build in some time – even if it’s only a few minutes – for you.
• As far as is possible, stick to your normal routine. Be especially protective of your sleep routine; you need to be well-rested to deal with the stresses in your life just now.
• Try to eat a healthy diet and get plenty of exercise. Just as it helps to be well-rested, it helps to be generally healthy in order to face life with a depressed spouse.

My spouse is unable to work due to depression, and I’m concerned about our finances. What can I do?

Again, this is a good time to turn to those you trust for help. Is there someone who could help you with the task of bill paying, or someone who can help you make financial decisions? Money matters can be very difficult to share with others, but asking for help can be better than struggling alone and getting further and further behind.

Consider consulting with a not-for-profit credit counseling service if loss of income is resulting in debt. Your local librarian can help you find such an agency in your area.

Another thing to consider, should your situation continue over a long period of time, is temporary public assistance. Consult your local library or social service agency for availability and eligibility requirements. A number of websites containing this type of information are listed in Living With a Depressed Spouse: A Practical and Spiritual Approach.

I feel like God has abandoned us. Where is God in the midst of depression?

These feelings are common for people of faith as we struggle with debilitating illnesses such as depression. Remember that as children of God, our loving creator has made a pact with each of us, to be with us always.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are
crushed in spirit. —Psalm 34:18

I will never leave you or forsake you. —Hebrews 13:5

Remember, I am with you always, to the end of the age. —Matthew 28:20

We suggest that, as you struggle to experience God’s love and comfort in this time, you make your own PACT with God:

• Prayer. Remain in relationship with God through conversation in prayer. Pour out your anger, frustration, and pain to the one who has experienced it all.

• Affirmation. Intentionally remind yourself that you are worthy and loved. List your good qualities. Write it down when someone compliments you. Remember the unique gifts that God gave you and which God still sees in you.

• Community. Seek out the community of others who can support you in this time, both in prayer and in help with daily routines. Turn to a church community, a neighborhood group, a support group – reach out so that others may reach back.

• Truth. As much as possible, and in as many areas as possible, share the truth of your situation with others. Letting trusted others know exactly what you’re going through allows them to offer help and allows you to accept the help you need. Be truthful with God in your prayers, sharing your fears and concerns openly and honestly.

My spouse is recovering. How might our relationship change?

During the recovery process many changes might occur. There might be euphoria because the depressed spouse is finally feeling good, sometimes for the first time in life. Dealing with that euphoria can be delightful but can also be threatening. After a period of having to carry most of the responsibility in the relationship and the household, the non-depressed spouse may find welcome relief when the ill spouse returns to health. But it can also be difficult to let go of that responsibility. Getting back to a balanced level relationship can take time, but with effort and intentionality it can be done.

How do I explain depression to my children?

It is important that the children have an accurate understanding, appropriate to their developmental age, of what is happening to their ill parent. In age-appropriate terms, explain to the children that mom or dad is not well because of an illness called depression. Tell them that it makes their parent feel sad or angry at times but that it has nothing to do with the way the children behave. Reassure them that people can and do recover from depression and that you will be there for them. Try to maintain a regular routine whenever possible to help them feel secure during this difficult time.

Strange things are happening in the bedroom. Does this happen to everyone?

Nothing is universal during depression. If aspects of your sex life become uncomfortable or unfamiliar, know that it may well be an expression of the disease. Know that it does not happen to everyone and does not happen in the same way. Sometimes nothing changes in the bedroom. Sometimes the sexual relationship is the only place where things appear normal.

What if my spouse is talking about suicide?

When therapy, medication or other alternatives do not work, the possibility of suicide may move more into prominence for the depressed spouse. The subject of suicide should never be treated lightly. When things are not going well in treatment, it is important to talk about the possibility of suicide, to explore with your depressed spouse any feelings and thoughts he or she might have about such an action. Ask directly: Do you feel that suicide is a possible option? Have you envisioned a specific suicide scenario?

Don’t be afraid to talk about it. Bringing up the subject of suicide does not increase the likelihood of it happening. As with all other aspects of this illness, openness is the healthiest course of action.

When depression is present and suicide has become a possibility, it is important that you form a pact of protection with your depressed spouse, particularly if he or she is thinking of executing the idea. Often called a “no-suicide contract,” this is a written document in which the depressed person agrees to remind him or herself not to commit suicide, to call 911 if he or she believes there is immediate danger of it occurring, and that he or she will contact a special list of close friends and family members if there are suicidal thoughts.